Cleaning up

So I went and did my class and I did my sweeping up of the block. It's weird because I sweep that block because I feel tied to it because of Moh Goon, but I find out today that I am even more separate from Moh Goon then I thought. I hadn't realized I was totally kicked out to the point where I am no longer allowed to perform with them. I was upset actually because I had recruited some people to do forms for the festivals... and I know Noah likes to perform and frankly.. I like to perform.

I got a "what did you expect" type of a look. But for some reason, I thought that moving out of the house didn't equate with "Don't come back for Christmas either." I mean right? If I am the Kung Fu son, then I grew up and moved out. So we are separate. That doesn't mean we aren't related. So I wrote some stuff about powerful people. I can tell you for sure that if the roles were reverse I would have handled it differently.

So anyway.. I am officially Kung Fu orphaned... so I felt bad.

But then I realized the possibilities that have just opened up to me. I mean it's like being a Ronin. It's further permission to do what I want. Ironically, I will probably end up working pretty closely with the same people that applied pressure and are being used as the excuse for why I had to be kicked out. But the truth is, I am just being kicked out. It might have a little to do with political atmosphere, but in the end I think there was a break long before the blog started. I just refused to acknowledge it. It was like when everyone but you knew the relationship was over... and for what?

It really makes me wish I had left sooner. Like during high school... and moved on to doing something like MMA or focused on my career or... anything. But then I wouldn't have my kids so I guess there is a reason I stayed. I got something important out of it all, but for all that I sacrificed and did for the school...the truth is I know the break has to do with something much more simple than Chinatown politics. I have more to say about this, but it will probably be in a book rather than in a blog and might even have to be in fictionalized form.

But damn it's like waking up from a 20 year dream like, "Why did I do all those things then if in the end I am out? If I had just left after the first summer I would technically still be in and I wouldn't have all that baggage."

But then... maybe I would have baggage from something else. Maybe I would have joined the military instead, as Sifu was the one who really told me to steer clear of that type career. And if I had gone that route, maybe I would be dead.

And even with this, I still refuse to acknowledge that I am out. I really do. Like suddenly my Sifu is not my Sifu? We're just friends? You know what? I guess.. sorry we are separated but it doesn't work like that. You can divorce a wife and she is your ex wife. I never heard of no Ex- Sifu or Ex-Si Hing. It doesn't work that way. Yeah I don't listen anymore.. but sorry their is still a de-facto connection. But at the same time that doesn't mean that I have to follow orders.

I don't take orders from my blood family, but they are still my family.

Does this make me a traitor? or Runaway?

Well I never ran away.

The point is, in the mean time, if I am no longer part of the school (and so it's now kind of weird to be sweeping up cigarette butts on that particular block). But does that mean my son will not perform lion dance and Kung Fu ever? No!

 I'm going to start my own team.

Does that mean my team is against my old team?

I don't see it that way.

But someone will.

But how can I learn all this Kung Fu for so long and what? Just not use it at all? What should I do just end myself? No. It doesn't work that way. Of course i will continue to do what I have dedicated my life to.

 In fact I had been teaching classes and this and that but everything always sort of had the guise of feeding students back to the school. But since I'm not part of that school any more and "just friends" , no more Si Hing no more Kung Fu family, then well that sort of makes it easier to recruit a new team and start a new school. In fact it encourages me to redouble my efforts and try to work with anyone who will work with me. I don't know if I am to be shunned by all people powerful in Chinatown or what.

Pretty much I know certain people will talk bad about me, but they talk bad about me when I was helping them.

In fact I remember one time I did a performance for my dulcimer teacher and I met a parent of one of my students who smiled but then went back to the school saying, "Did you know that lo fahn jai is a traitor etc." until it was explained to him that no.. I taught at Kwong Kow and had learned there before coming to do Kung Fu and it's okay to be in a dulcimer and drumming group AND a Kung Fu school. I mean there really shouldn't be conflict with that right?

But anyway.. had I left then.. I would have been better off now.

The truth is the break happened mainly when I had kids.